Wednesday, October 15, 2003
Oversensitivity; hyperawareness; instinctiveness - these attributes have always been inherently rooted in me, yet it's hard to pinpoint the exact time when I actually realized how deeply these qualities ran. Events over the years have led me to find that my instincts about people or situations usually prove to be true. Yes, it might sound ludicrous to people who don't know me well, hell, I found it foolish myself, but I've come to trust them for better or worst.
These..'feelings' that I get about people are hard to describe, I can't define them, not because they're transient but because they're just too 'intrinsic' (for the lack of a better word) to me. How does one describe something that is inborn? It's a bit like asking someone to describe what feelings are and how they were developed, exactly. The difficulty in doing so is due to the fact that they aren't substance, but essence. One can't just set down boundaries and lines and expect everything else to fall into their respective places when it comes to something as obscure as feelings.
It's weird how sometimes I get feelings about other people, their motives and all, and they're uncannily right whether I choose to acknowledge them or not. These vestigial feelings that I get seem so absurd to me at times, but experience has shown that sometimes, the most absurd thing of all is the only one that proves true. I have brushed them aside and mocked my own 'intuition' because every now and then, these instincts lead me to doubt those close to me, those whose loyalties I would never think to question. And time and time again, I have experienced loss and betrayal through my own ignorance. Trust is something that I do not give nor take easily. I'd rather not trust indsicriminately, than cultivate a misplaced sense of trust in others. People sometimes ask me why I'm so paranoid, well, it's because I don't want any unecessary pain. Simple as that. As for those that have caused me pain, I may forgive but I never forget. Forgiveness helps one move on, but forgetfulness only leaves one liable to making the same mistakes again.
Occasionally, some people, even friends, get a bit freaked by my intuition which is why I don't usually voice it out. They see it as an invasion of privacy, although they don't understand that I don't get these feelings by prying into their lives or anything of that sort, they just come to me. They don't believe me at first, it's only after I verbalize the motives behind their actions or even tell them that I know who they're interested in (if they are interested in someone in the first place, of course), that they believe. But sometimes, they get scared because no one likes it when someone knows things that they feel shouldn't be apparent at all - I understand that. I wouldn't like it either if I were them. When I was young, I tended to vocalize whichever random feeling I was experiencing about people or things at that time; I soon learnt that not everyone wanted to hear what I had to tell. Not everyone wanted to believe what I had to say. No one wants their private issues or dirty laundry aired out to dry. Which is why there are some things in life that are better left unsaid, especially when they aren't yours to tell. Some think that this 'well of instincts' that I have about others can be dipped into whenever I feel like it, and they ask me about my feelings on things that I have yet to see with my own eyes; like whether or not so-and-so likes someone and all. It doesn't work that way. I need to be in contact with the person first, to know and to observe him or her before drawing any conclusions.
And yes, once again, I know this whole thing might really come across as ridiculous and unbelievable. I don't even know why I'm typing this out as an entry - I might decide to delete it later as an afterthought. I think I just needed to sort my feelings out. Everything's sort of jumbled into a mess now and this seemed like the easiest way to clarify my thoughts.
But I do know one thing.
I'm sick of knowing things.
Shu at 1:14 PM
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