Friday, March 28, 2008
...Qu'est-ce que je ferai maintenant? personne ne peux me dire..
Close to one year ever since my last post, I'm finally in Paris. And I've been here for the past 3 months. Life's become both more complicated and easy at the same time that it's hard to see where one starts and the other leaves off. I needed an outlet of sorts, so it's back to reviving the deadblog which hopefully stays dead except for my thoughts of the moment. University has taken a bit of getting used to, cos 90% of it are americans, and 80% of the students here are on exchange - meaning, the turn-over rate in my university is pretty darn high. Other than the occasional frustrating ignorance that some Americans in my school tend to show at the worst times (i.e. complaining nonstop about the french in the middle of a crowded metro filled with french people who understand english), I've made some pretty good friends, and I'm glad I have my french friends from my travels before, because otherwise, I'd have no time to practice my french at all! Everyone in the university speaks english all day, and all my friends from university speak english outside of class when we hang out, so I don't really have much contact with the french language except for making the occasional order in a restaurant or when buying something from the boulangeries. Does anyone else see the irony in this? (!) Anyway, I'm pretty happy with my academics though, cos I've been getting full marks on my essays and exams for psychology classes and business modules even though I usually party the nights away and fail to wake up for classes the next morning. So things seem to be going well. At least on the surface.
I'm still torn up over everything that's happened..even though I try to repress it in the hope that things might change if you've learnt your lesson. I know I said I'd give you a second chance, and since I've agreed to do that, I'm going to make it all or nothing, instead of constantly bringing up feelings of bitterness and mistrust whenever we hit a problem. But deep down inside me, something's died. It died the moment I found out what you did. And it died even more when you lied to me outright although we both knew what happened. I don't know if what I feel now is love, or the fear of being alone again. And I definitely don't know if after all that you've done, I can look at you and still feel happy that we're together. Because right now, I have to consciously push back thoughts of your betrayal and look you in the eye and tell you I love you. Somehow I don't feel right when I do this, and so I know the love I have for you is no longer the same, nor as completely selfless as it was before. I know it's possible for you to look at me and tell me you love me even whilst doing things behind my back, and that makes me scared..because, what if it never ends? how will I ever be able to tell? your words tell me nothing anymore. And yet sometimes they tell me everything, more than what's really there.
Love isn't meant to be paranoid. I'm not here to watch over your every move and be your babysitter in case you fall again. I guess I'm still bitter over the fact that you haven't grown up. Someone's going to have to teach you, so that you'll learn there are more important things in life than short term thrills, and that when you finally learn, you'll be all alone again looking for the next love to bring meaning to that empty, meaningless life of yours. I don't want to be that someone. I'm trying now, but I'm realizing that I might not have the strength of mind and self to take it. I don't want another blow, and yet someone has to help you learn. Could you save yourself, for someone who loves you for you? Things would be much easier if you'd only just have the strength of mind and control to help yourself. No one else can save you, yes, I could try, but I'm starting to fear that I might just end up in the deep end, as fucked up as you are. I want to cut myself loose, but I hate that with what you did, you just ruined the next few relationships that I might have because I know I'll be bringing the scars you wrought with me and someone else will have to have the endless patience that I had with you, trying to make things right again. You of all people should understand that. Afterall, that's what happened to you. I thought that since you knew how it felt on the other end, you'd be the last person to do something like that to anyone. But you did anyway, and that's what makes me so disillusioned. I don't know how long this will go on for, and whether you'll be strong enough to change completely, but I do know that one more strike and you're out. Because there's only so much I can do to psych myself into believing that you're a good but misguided person who just hasn't grasped the idea that you can't have everything nor all the pleasures in life. For every new pleasure that you take, you give up another that you once had..
Shu at 2:36 AM
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